I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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