i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
