i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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