I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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