I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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