There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
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