my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
