Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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