Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
