U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
