You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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