No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
