She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
