Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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