So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
