I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
