last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
