My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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