If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
