These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
