I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
