Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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