I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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