Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
