what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
