My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
