Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
