Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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