i jhust puked up my retainher.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
