Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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