hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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