just tell him i said nine months
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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