apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
