Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
