it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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