Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
