oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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