I puked a lego.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
