Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
