I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It's blow job season.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
