Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
