My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
