I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
