every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
