he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
