I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
