No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
