He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
