I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
