her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I got inside last night via doggy door
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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