His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
