If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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